being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
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Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.