Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
You Might Also Like
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.