Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
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Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Snapes on a plane.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me