i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
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I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
wut hotdog?