I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
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jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE