I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
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Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate