*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
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A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
If you know, you know
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?