Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
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[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.