*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
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5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
I’ll be mad as hell!
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.