nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
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her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.