Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
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I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks