Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
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If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins