In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
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Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.