Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
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[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
I occasionally drink every single night.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.