Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
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Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.