the dark web is just a goth google.
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normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.