My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
You Might Also Like
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
[montage of me giving-up]
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate