“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
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Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Come back with a warrant
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9