If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
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Extremely relatable.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
worst…sale…ever
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Good news
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.