sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
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WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
I have so many questions.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.