Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
You Might Also Like
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what