this has done me in for some reason
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The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?