Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
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In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Why does laundry happen to good people?
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”