Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
You Might Also Like
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.