Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
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Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.