Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
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I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Jokes on them. I took 10.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.