just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
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Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae