Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
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Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.