Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
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My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”