True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
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me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour