Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
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My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?