me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
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Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*