I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
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The little toadstool has spoken.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly