The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
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Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring