*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
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My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
I unironically love this joke.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.