My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
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Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store