I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
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“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head