the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
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Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.