His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
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Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Good dog. ❤️
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday