I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
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They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*