Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
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*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Give a baker flours on your first date.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”