What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
You Might Also Like
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.