Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
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Cinematography is my passion
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Girl, same.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.