If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
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Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Omg 🤣
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Beware of the “party goblin”…
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”