LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
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SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Hello, my name is Pierre.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs