My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
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Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son