I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
You Might Also Like
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE