I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
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In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder