BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
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girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
The little toadstool has spoken.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Worst bar ever.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.