I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
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Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played